Part of me wished I could rewind and take back what I said to Keith on Friday night after happy hour. “I’m done with your criticism,” I said screamed and side-ways sliced the air with my hand. I’d mismanaged the dogs again, and they’d taken off running. Before Keith said much of anything about my failing, I spat out those fighting words.

He wisely gave me space for the rest of the night. In the wee hours, I realized this wasn’t a spat; this was something bigger, something that had been coming for months, something fundamental to my humanity. Despite my attempts to hide and deny, fear about my faith memoir Wisdom Builds Her House, releasing in three weeks, had been building since Thanksgiving. Tension amped up this spring and exhaustion overtook me on Good Friday night when I slipped—while standing in our closets and taking off my socks—and broke my wrist. I minimized the physical injury and pretended nothing was wrong. But last Friday night, fear escalated beyond my control. What had I been thinking, putting my warts-and-all faith journey out there for anyone to read? I knew this was my mission but worried about the consequences. Feedback from advance readers and reviewers had already shown not everyone thought well of Wisdom—or me. 

My need from approval was outstripping my confidence. Since flight was no longer working, the alternative was fight. And who had taken the brunt but my greatest champion, the person who loves me more than anyone on earth, even more than I love myself. So, Saturday morning began with my apology to Keith. As a friend at church often says, “A good marriage is made up for two good forgivers.” And sometimes that means two people who know when and what to ignore. But this was not one of those times.

Then Sunday morning, rewind to the fundamentals occurred in three, God-placed lessons in quick succession.

Rewind Lesson #1

While sipping a cup of low-acid coffee, I checked the news and weather then read a chapter in Life Worth Living: A Guide to What Matters Most, recommended by my Sage Forum colleague and friend Judy Allen. Judy wrote about the book on her Substack Blog titled “Reimaging Retirement” here and here. The authors of Life Worth Living, Miroslav Volf, Matthew Croasmun, and Ryan McAnnally-Linz, are Christian theologians who teach a similarly named Humanities course at Yale University. God’s first rewind lesson of the day? Chapter 9: When We (Inevitably) Botch It—exactly what I’d done. 

The authors wrote: “You will be disappointed with yourself. And you’ll need to know what to do about it.” Yup. Let me say that initially I felt perfectly justified in snapping at Keith; it was his completely justified distancing that upended me. “…people who care for us often call us out in order to call us forward. They want to see us grow and live in sync with our values.” Yup. “Never waste a good crisis, a friendly callout, or an uncomfortable truth. But that may mean fighting your strongest instincts for what to do next.” Yup. My instinct: denial.

So, what to do? The authors recommend starting small by apologizing, repenting of the failure that threatened to rupture my dearest earthly relationship. To rewind, name the failure, acknowledge the sin—let’s call it what it is—in the context of my marriage. Since confession does not change what happened, repentance would require doing my best to compensate for the harm I’d done. And that I could not do alone.

But the “how” of restitution with Keith begged the question about the what, the underlying fear.

Rewind Lesson #2

Coffee cup drained, I sat down at my desk, opened my email, and read Pastor Scott Sauls’ blog post titled, “When You’re Afraid to be Known: If fear of other people’s opinions unsettles you, consider the merciful gaze of Christ.” We try to hide our sins and secrets from the world because we are afraid of being seen, found out, known and rejected, Sauls wrote. “We are masters at self-deception, hiding our character flaws by avoiding or staying above the surface in relationships, telling self-protective half-truths, curating an image or ‘brand’ for ourselves, and shifting blame in any direction that enables us to hurl blame away from ourselves.” We all give into fight and/or flight impulses instead of embracing God’s grace, Sauls stated.

As I read through some of the topics Sauls addressed—constructive feedback can help us, everything is an opportunity for gratitude—I began to feel grateful for my personal failure, because it gave me a chance to self-examine and change. 

And realize I am not alone in this struggle.

Rewind Lesson #3

After playing the first half of the service with the worship team, I put down my flute and settled next to Keith to hear Pastor Tim Bohlmann’s message based on Mark 6:45-56. Crossing the Sea of Galilee, the disciples strained at the oars. They were doing dangerous, hard, challenging work for an unknown purpose and were distressed, harassed because of the situation. Jesus allowed the testing so they could discover the depth of their faith and trust in Him. Keith reached to hold my hand, and I nodded in recognition of his compassion and the lesson. When the disciplines saw Jesus walking toward them on the water, they thought he was a ghost. Fear not, Jesus said. They grasped the love of Christ, landed on shore, and anchored. Jesus calls us to be tested, Pastor said, and He alone brings us through the testing. 

During communion, one of the pianists and I played Jules Massenet’s “Meditation from Thais,”—here’s a picture and the link to the service. After the service, I thanked Pastor Tim for his message, told him about my struggle, and spoke others about the three lessons then asked for prayers. When I got home, I listened to my passable performance on the recording’s rewind (1:05-110), noting what when well and what I needed to work on. 

A simple process to apply to all my relationship failures: rewind, ask questions, pray, listen, learn, and grow.

Linkup with Five Minute Friday: https://fiveminutefriday.com/2024/07/25/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-rewind/