Affection: a gentle feeling of fondness or liking. I’ve been thinking about affection with regards to how our society’s values have changed in my lifetime. The gentle blessings of faith, marriage and children, and mission have been replaced by the harsh goals of money, power, independence and prestige. How has this shift impacted affection and love? 

Illuminating Affection

A couple of years ago, while researching the topic of caregiving for a women’s retreat, I read New York Times columnist David Brooks’ How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.

“In every crowd there are Diminishers and there are Illuminators,” he stated. Diminishers are self-centered, seemingly unable to step out of themselves or show curiosity about others. They do instant size-ups when meeting people and think others have lessor motivations and minds than they do. Since Diminishers tend to be anxious and naïve, they adopt detached objective stances, make generalizations about groups, and have static mindsets.

Diminishers have difficulty with affection because they do not see the miracles in people and fear opening themselves to gentle fondness or liking of others. I’m sorry to say this characterization describes me at times. My excuses: I’m shy, introverted, and afraid; I don’t know anyone at this party. 

Illuminators, according to Brooks, “…have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.” Illuminator behaviors include tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity, generosity, and a holistic attitude. Affection. I recognize my “better” self in this characterization. When answering the call to love others as myself, I greet others, especially those who might be shy too, and get to know them. To “see” the miracles in people with affection.

Although some people seem to be naturals, we can all improve our social skills by practicing an Illuminator’s pattern within our relationships. For some that takes spiritual growth—and for me, healing, as I discovered while writing Wisdom Builds Her House and The Wisdom Journal.

The Affection of Christ

Other than death, there is no escape from the confinements of age, but that doesn’t mean I have to complain about it. I can choose joy. If I can’t play flute or drive or weed or walk the dogs anymore, I know there are other ways to proclaim the Gospel and serve the Lord. In this life, faith is the only way to be free of misfortune, mistakes, aging, and confinement. And faith is the only way to illuminate the truth of His word with affection.

When Paul communicated his affection to the Philippians from prison, his joy knew no confinement: In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:4-8 NIV

Thanks to the Holy Spirit in me, Christ’s affection is with me to illuminate to others. As here, the Faithful Men singing at our founding church Trinity in Crimora and spreading His affection and love while standing in front of the cross.

Affection in the third season

Autumn, the third season, is upon us here at Vanaprastha. Soon Keith and I will be moving wood inside the garage and from down below to woodpiles closer to the house. While doing things with others, I have opportunities to grow in affection for others. As Peter said, For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 2 Peter 1:5-7 NIV

We often focus on doing rather being, that is, what I’m supposed to do in life rather than who I am and what kind of person I’m supposed to be. But now in my third season of life, I have a better idea of my “doing” purpose and “being” in relationships. Since life is about relationship, the only question I need ask is what relationships do I value? Faith (God), marriage (Keith) and children—Alex, Jessica, David, our granddaughter—loving neighbors as myself.

And what do I want to illuminate in these relationships, which I value? The affection of Christ. Because the harshness of money, power, independence and prestige diminish rather than illuminate and eventually eat us alive.

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