I had made the decision to serve as secretary-treasurer of our neighborhood association for one more year, but in truth I was undecided. I thought I should shepherd the neighborhood through the difficult discussions we were facing, challenges to “the way we’ve always done things” that were creating strife. But as the date of the meeting approached, I felt tired, near the end of my rope after five years of service. Increasingly, I whined about neighborhood disagreements to Keith.

One morning, he had enough. “I’m tired of hearing you complain! You should quit!” he said. 

I stared at him. “You’re right. It’s someone else’s job now.” 

Then I heard my mother’s voice—“Carole, graveyards are filled with indispensable people.”—and realized while thinking I was being a faithful servant, I was falling for the cheapest trick in Satan’s book: vanity.

Hate undecided thoughts, love His law

The God-inspired author of Psalm 119 expressed a strong aversion to vain, ambivalent thoughts and a deep love for God’s law. I hate the thoughts of undecided [in religion], double-minded people, but Your law do I love. Psalm 119:113 Amplified Bible, Classic Edition I hate the double-minded, but I love your law. Psalm 119:113 ESV

This verse points out our very human challenge: instead of praying and listening to God’s word, we make decisions based in part on vanity. Once Keith helped me see my undecided, double-minded, ambivalent, vane self, I was able to ask God to cleanse my thoughts, to commit me to His will, to devote myself to His righteousness. 

This was the result: “Dear Neighbors,” I wrote in my email, “After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to step down as secretary-treasurer… I will provide orientation for the new secretary-treasurer to ensure as smooth a transition as possible… It has been an honor to serve this community, and I will continue to do so in any way I can.”

Hate is a very strong word, but that’s exactly what I needed to turn me around: to hate my undecided faith.

Hate undecided hearts, love commitment to Him

James also had something to say about our undecided state. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:6-8 ESV

According to James, a double-minded person is one who doubts God and needs to purify her heart. Like the psalmist, James has in mind those whose hearts are not fully God’s. They lack a passion for the Word and are easily swayed by the ways of the world—as I had been. My whining and complaining were sure signs of hating my undecided, doubting, unstable heart. Once Keith offered his blunt discernment, I was able to see God’s will, to rely on his guidance, and to craft an email that reflected a profound respect for God and a healthy fear of His judgments for disobedience.

Hate undecided issues, love His blessings

On Saturday afternoon, I loaded the neighborhood association files into the back of our car, feeling relieved and hopeful. At the meeting, as discussion shifted from contention to consensus, and every voice in the room was heard, I realized my resignation was the right thing to do. By stepping down, I had removed myself as a stumbling block, allowing others to step into responsibilities that were no longer mine.

This morning at Vanaprastha, I gazed upon God’s creation and took the picture at the top of this post to share with you. Not undecided or double-minded or ambivalent. “Thank you, Lord,” I prayed. “At this moment, I am free of my undecided self, free from distractions, free to commit myself to Your true path for me.”

Free to love my neighbor as myself.

Linkup to Five Minute Friday: https://fiveminutefriday.com/2024/10/17/fmf-writing-prompt-link-up-undecided/